Time flies by so quickly...I can't believe I'm in the 12th grade now. It seems like just yesterday was my first day in Gonzaga High school, it seems like just last week I graduated from junior high school. Now I am faced with choices and decisions to make. Lord, I don't think I'm ready for this. Or am I ? Haaahh....You see, I have this plans of my future....
It's not like, I'm-going-to-marry-this-guy plan, or I'm-going-to-have-2-kids kind of plan. Much more simple, yet require a great deal of efforts to achieve. I'm talking about my college/university plan, where I'm going after I graduate high school.
My master plan was I'm going to continue my study in Singapore, I'm going to take Visual Communication (graphic design) as my major. I have already had the university or college that I wanted to go to. NAFA (Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts) and NTU (Nanyang Technological University) are my targets. And of course, I'm looking for schollarship, there's no way I can afford paying all those bills. Even is my parents do have the money. For once, I want to be the one whose there to help. My parents have nurtured me, paid for my living, gave all the things that I wanted. And now, given the opportunity, I want to pay them back, give them my gratitude. The only way I can do that, is by getting a scholarship.
So there was my plan, Singapore, NAFA or NTU. Little that I know that my plan would suddenly change, over some outer influence. There's this scholarship from Japanese Government, called Monbukagakusho. It's 100 % scholarship, they pay your tuition fee, your weekly "huge" allowance, your plane tickets, everything ! You can't ask for any better scholarship, I have to admit the offer is very tempting.
The first time my Japanese teacher offered this scholarship, I didn't even consider it, I thought "it's a waste of time, I could never master Japanese, Japanese is so hard..." and lots of other excuses. Which is to me logical, I mean, If you study in Japan, the living cost is so high, you have to spent at least 2 years in mastering the language, and then you can apply for the university. It's a long and unnecessary process *that's what I thought at the time*.
But like I said, I was influenced by something....or should I say, someone. I had to say, this one thing, was the biggest mistake that I made through out my future plans. Over influenced by this 'someone', I became suddenly interested in the Monbukagakusho scholarship. I knew that the terms for the scholarship is really hard, but I think I was blinded by this 'someone' at that time. I was blinded upon the thought that maybe, If I could get this scholarship and study in Japan, I could be with him, I can be together with him. To think of it now, I was so foolish and naive. I altered my plans just because I wanna be with someone. It's so silly.
What a blessing that I realize before it was too late. Today, I went to Japan Education Fair in JCC. I was stunned by the long and difficult process of this Monbukagakusho scholarship. Everything about that scholarship seems impossible to me, now. I realized that, this is too big for me. I know, for sure, I know it FOR SURE, even if I study my ass to death, even if I cut all of my leisure time for studying, I wouldn't make it. I know confidence is an important thing, that I should never quite before I try, but I think it's more important to be realistic. What I need now, is to face the reality.
Hahahahaha...funny though, I turned my back once on Singapore...now, I'm holding on to it as my future once again. Good bye Japan, you were a wonderful dream, but I know my limit, I know my capacity, and if I have to face the reality and still having my confidence while doing it, Singapore is the best answer. I know it's not as glorious as how I-go-to-college-in-Japan sounds, but it's more realistic. I live in the real world, facing the reality and living it is my duty.
What do I learn from this experience ? Never ever involve your personal feelings to your plans ! Especially your future plans ! Don't go suddenly changing your college/university plan over wanting to be together with some guy. Go your own way ! Live your own dreams ! If he is really for you, then he will be yours by anyhow.
